DEATH NOT'D: Inside the Sick Mind of Raito Yagami
by Teh Future Mrs. Kyo Sohma
Summary: Raito Yagami is not at all the sophisticated, young man he seems. When Ryuk is shooting up apple seeds in the bathroom, L is pretending to own a space ship and Misa is questioning life itself, what does Raito really think? It's all right here, folks.
1. Bitch, You Got DEATH NOT'D!

**A/N: **

**This is for my sexy-pants friend Mina. **

**A 'shocking?' look into the mind of Raito. GASP! **

**Not really. **

**Warnings: OOC, Language, Sexual References, THE WORKS YO. **

_Chapter One:_ Bitch, You Got DEATH NOT'D!

-

My mom questions my motives quite a bit.

-

"I AINT DOIN' LAUNDRY! I AINT DOIN' LAUNDRY!"

"Once you've done the laundry, Raito, will you help your sister do the dishes?"

"The dishes…? I AINT DOIN' DISHES! FUCK YOOOOU!"

"…"

-

She often asks what's gotten into me.

Oh, if only she knew.

-

"Raito, you really shouldn't abuse your mom like that. She really does love you."

"Oh c'mon, Ryuk. It's obvious my sister is the prize catch."

"You're tellin' me!" (cackles)

-

I wonder what's up with him?

Probably high off apple seeds again.

-

You think people who crush up ecstasy tablets, mix them with water and inject them are pathetic?

Ryuk shoots up apple seeds in the bathroom!

-

"Raito Yagami! What is this needle doing in our bathroom?"

"Well, mom, I can explain-!"

"You can explain AFTER you do the laundry!"

"I AINT DOIN' LAUNDRY!"

-

I walked into the office the other day and L's all like to me,

"Hi, my name is-"

"WHAT!?"

-

I was pretty surprised.

With all the Kira-suspecting this and Kira-suspecting that, it just didn't seem right of L to tell me his name.

-

"My name is-"

"WHO?!"

-

Yeah.

I have a hard time containing my excitement.

-

"COVER THAT AROUSAL, YAGAMI!"

-

It's a condition I hope to grow out of!

-

"My name is-"

"HUH?!"

"Chika, chika, Slim Shady."

"…"

-

L sometimes wishes he were a space captain.

All the sticky substances he eats must be getting to his brain.

-

"OH, L! HARDER!"

-

"Ew, Ryuk. You're a pervert!"

"I always knew you were uke to L!"

"No WAY! He's the girl in this relationship! In fact, I've started calling him ELLE!"

"…"

-

I will never live that moment down.

-

"I am the captain of the S.S L.L,"

"What does that stand for?"

"Liquid Launcher!"

-

You heard correctly.

-

"Fly over the open plains and make it to the canyon! Plunge, plunge, plunge! Engage thrusting sequence! Ready Liquid Launchers! GO, GO, GO!"

"…"

-

I wonder if L shouts those kinds of things while making love?

-

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well, if I didn't, why would I ask?"

"True, true."

-

Ryuk is a silly, silly boy.

What's under his skirt?

-

"It's not a penis, I can say that much."

-

How do Shinigami reproduce!?

-

"Well, I haven't been telling the complete truth about the Death Note, Raito…"

-

Trust him to tell me now!

-

Turns out, Ryuk owns a second notebook, with the word … well, you can guess.

-

"See that chick over there, Raito?"

"What about her?"

"Watch this!" (scribbles down name)

"Ooooh! Ahhhhh! Harder!"

"… Ryuk, my man, you just earned yourself as many apple seeds as you can shoot up!"

-

In an attempt to throw off the police, I Death Not'd a woman to have a heart attack, but land in a coma and die a few days later.

-

"Bitch, you just got DEATH NOT'D!"

-

"Oh... mom, why isn't sis' waking up?"

"She's in a coma, sweetheart. A coma."

"... Wow, I've never been THAT tired before!"

-

Definately not the kind of person I want living in my perfect world.

-

Death Not'd is the new Punk'd.

-

DRAMATIC CHIPS!

I WILL TAKE THIS CHIP!

AND I WILL EAT IT!

(Star Wars Theme)…

-

Okay, you can leave now.

**A/N: **

**Different from the ones I've done for Fruits Basket. **

**Had to approach this whole story in a different manner. **

**Enjoy?**


	2. Misa Watches Me Clean My p33n

**A/N: **

**Thanks to all my reviewers! **

**Due too good response, I decided to update. **

_Chapter Two:_ Misa Watches Me Clean My p33n

PLEASE NOTE, Some of this chapter is based off a video I saw of Brian Regan, who is an excellent comedian.

-

Misa decided to join my school in an attempt to be closer to me.

-

"We have a new student today, so why don't we all make her feel welcome?"

"Misa feels welcomed!"

-

It seemed to go pretty well, until our daily spelling drill.

You know, it helps us learn English faster.

-

I, being the sexy stud that I am, of course top this class.

After all, I am none other than Raito Yagami!

-

"Stop being a chauvinistic bastard,"

"I bet you don't know what that word means!"

"I bet you don't know where that chip has been."

"(frantically spits out chip)"

-

I thought I was the only person in the world who liked that specific flavour that I like, whose name escapes me.

-

Moving right along, our teacher began to bring out words to spell.

-

"Misa-Misa, seeing as you're the newest student to our class, will you do the honor of spelling the first word?"

"Sure…"

"Spell, 'cat'."

"K-A-T."

"…"

-

I wonder if Misa is dyslexic, or something.

Or maybe he suffers from that new form of Autism?

You know, where you get withdrawals from the computer and go psycho?

-

"MISA NEED COMPUTER. MISA NEED COMPUTER. ME NO GOT COMPUTER! MISA GO CRAZY! RAAAAWR! MISA DESTROY CITY! RAAAAWWWR!"

And then L bursts in with a, "S.S L.L ALL SYSTEMS GO, GO, GO!"

-

"I'm Slim Shady, yes I'm the real Shady, all you other Slim Shady's are just imitating."

"… L, you are not Slim Shady."

"RUINER! RUUUUINNNEEERRR!"

-

She seems pretty happy, so I guess I won't question her…

-

"Raito,"

"Yes?"

"Misa knows… that it has two T's." (laughs)

"…"

-

This is getting beyond weird.

-

"Misa-Misa… erm… let's try something easier, okay?"

"OKAY!" (glee)

-

I suddenly find her less attractive.

-

"What's the I before E rule?"

"I before E… Always."

"…"

-

So then Ryuk bursts into the room and starts screaming about an old friend of his.

-

"RAITO! RAITO! I JUST MET UP WITH AN OLD ARMY BUDDY DOWN AT THE LOCAL WOMEN'S CLUB! IT WAS AMAZING!"

"… Ryuk, a) you were never in the army, b) have no friends and c) this isn't Las Vegas; there aren't any women's clubs for miles."

"I was just trying to impress you, Raito. BUT I GUESS IT ISN'T ENOUGH."

-

Misa began to twitch a bit at this point, her eyes clouded with what appeared to be tears, but it could very well have been sawdust.

-

"What are you, Misa? An idiot?"

"Apparently."

-

The class began laughing.

That damned Misa!

Stealing all the popularity from people who deserve it!

LIKE ME!

KIRA!

-

"Raito, I don't suppose this is a good time to say so, but you're thinking out loud."

"Damn it."

-

The teacher began to explain the I before E rule… I wasn't really listening.

Misa should understand, since she knows L's last name.

SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS BLOODY RULE.

-

"No, Misa, it's I before E except after C,  
And when sounding like A as in neighbor and way,  
And on weekends and holidays and all throughout May,  
AND YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!"

"Misa thinks that… that's a… hard rule right there."

-

I never knew my English teacher could be so cruel.

I suppose, teachers aren't paid to be nice to eyeliner-wearing, gothic dressed sluts.

-

"Raito, Misa is not a slut. In fact, Misa has never had sexual relations."

"… YOU LIE! YOU LIE!"

-

B-But… I thought that I was the master liar!

FOR I AM KIRA!

-

"You shouldn't shout that outside a police station,"

"Would it kill you to tell me when I'm thinking out loud, Ryuk? Huh? Before I make a jack ass out of myself?"

"Yes, it would."

"Fuck you! I AINT DOIN' LAUNDRRRYYY!"

-

"Misa, how do you make a plural?"

"MISA KNOWS! With an S!"

"Where?"

"… On weekends and holidays and all throughout May!"

-

The teacher called on me to help Misa with her English homework on plurals.

Considering we're currently sharing a hotel room, it shouldn't be hard.

-

"Uuummff… R-Raito… we should be doi-aaahhh… doing homework…!"

-

HARD LIKE KIRA'S DICK!

-

"Oh, sorry Raito. I wasn't paying attention."

"Damn you!"

-

"Okay Misa, now. Plurals. The plural of ox is oxen."

"Yup."

"So, what is the plural of box?"

"Boxen."

"…"

-

This HAS to be an elaborate sham.

No person can be this stupid.

Especially not a famous person.

-

IT'S A PLAN TO PROVE THAT I'M—

-

"Raito! Don't say Kira! You're in public!"

"I wasn't going to say Kira. I was going to say 'not as smart as she'."

"… You're a liar! LIAR!"

-

Liar, liar, burn in Hell!

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Hanging from a telephone wire!

-

I told Misa I was busy with my science fair project and that she had to go home.

-

"MISA DOESN'T WANT TO DO SCIENCE! MISA WANT TO BE WITH RAITOOO!"

-

Ryuk was spying on her and Rem later on that night.

Apparently, there are hidden cameras in my shower.

And she watches me.

CLEAN MY p33n.

-

"Misa likes it when naughty boy Raito cleans his dirty, dirty wee-wee."

"…"

-

It was the day of science fair.

Misa's project sucked the hairy testicles of Kira.

-

"Raito, you should shave."

"STFU RYUK!"

-

"Misa… what is this?"

"MISA KNOWS! It's a cup of dirt!"

"… Explain."

"Well, it's a cup with some dirt inside!"

"…"

"Misa got it from her garden."

-

Misa got an F and decided to leave school forever.

She obviously never attended anyway.

-

"Misa just wanted to be closer to naughty boy Raito's dirty, dirty wee-wee!"

"STOP CALLING IT THAT! IT'S A PENIS!"

-

By the end of the day, I was tired, horny and in the mood for some erotic interaction.

-

"You're watching Crime Scene Investigators; we show the toughest criminals in the world and their stories on how they got off Scott Free."

-

"Raito, killing people is like sex for you, isn't it?"

"Yup! Except, I'm doing it! RAITO SEME ALL THE WAY!"

-

At least, I think so.

**A/N: **

**Yup. **

**Go to YouTube and type in the search box,  
"Keiichi Is Stupid In School" to see the AMV this chapter is based off.**


	3. For The Love Of God, Ryuuzaki!

**A/N: **

**This is my second attempt at writing this chapter. **

**The first attempt sucked… **

**Chapter Three: **For The Love Of God, Ryuuzaki!

-

I decided to corrupt the local brothel.

-

"I thought you said there were no brothels around here."

"I said there were no _women's _clubs. There's a difference."

"How am I supposed to get wiff da ladayz?"

"Ryuk, no one can see you apart from Misa and myself. You should just sneak into people's houses and watch them undress."

"… WOW! GOOD IDEA!"

-

My little Ryukie.

He's evolving!

Evolving like a Polaroid Pika!

-

When I can't stop fiddlin'

I just takes me Ritalin,

I'm poppin' and sailin' man!

(honk honk)

-

"I didn't know you took drugs, Raito!"

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me."

"Like what? WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING FROM ME!"

"… Maybe I'm a dragon."

"…"

-

The script called for me to say 'lion'… but I put a little twist on an old favourite.

-

I'm in the business of misery.

What? It's true.

Whores may look happy, but they're just not, okay?

-

THEY'RE JUST NOT.

-

"Puff Daddy Raito?"

"Yes?"

"I made 84 dollars tonight."

"That's a good girl. Now get on your knees and open wide."

"Yes master."

-

Why can't Misa be that cool?

Damn!

-

L likes to scare me in public places in an attempt to make me give away that I'm Kira.

Last weekend, I was getting a coffee at Starbucks, right?

And he comes up behind me… I didn't even notice him!

He whispers softly in my ear, "Kira desu."

-

I can tell you now, it felt damn good on my neck.

I think he gave me a slight erection.

-

"I WALK AROUND TOWN WITH A STARK ERECTION!"

"I GAVE YOUR MOM A YEAST INFECTION!"

"We're such playaz."

"Tell me about it…"

-

Stupid hallucinating bastard.

Any minute now HE'LL start killing people.

-

"I highly doubt that, Yagami-san."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"ENGAGE THRUSTING SEQUENCE! READY LIQUID LAUNCHERS! GO, GO, GO!"

"For the love of God, Ryuuzaki!"

-

He needs to start taking his medication again. And lay off the sugar cubes.

I mean, it makes him taste like Ryuk only sweeter, but there's a certain extent a guy and alter his cum, okay?!

THE LORD DID NOT INTEND FOR SUCH ALTERNATIONS IN HIS BABY-MAKING LIQUID!

-

Does this mean I have to have children with Misa?

-

"Have children with Misa, or die!"

"Look, Rem, I understand you're in love with her, but you can't go around forcing me to perform the erotic act of intercourse with her just because you can't!"

"I'LL DO AS I PLEASE!"

"Yeah, well… maybe you're a voyeur. And I'm a dragon."

"…"

-

Why did I even ask in the first place…

-

It's the plainest situation!

There's no negotiation!

With the fella's at the freakin' FCC!

-

They cancelled Death Note, let me put it to you that way.

-

"NOOOOOOO!11!!!1!1!11!oneone!!!!one!111!11rageoftheone!!11"

"Yes."

'NOOOOOOOOOOO!1!!!1111!1!1!!!11!!ONE!"

"… Yes."

"NNNNOOOOOO11121!1!!11!11--!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

-

I think that'll be my new catchphrase.

In every chapter, I'll say it at least eighty-four times.

-

"So, all in all, I earn a dollar each time you say it?"

"Pretty much… keep sucking, babe. I didn't tell you to stop."

"Okay… sorry…"

-

Whores.

When will they learn?

-

Apparently, they had to cancel the show because so many depressed, over-weight, friendless teenagers were trying to kill their enemies with regular, loose-leaf paper.

HOW DARE THEY BRING SHAME TO THE NAME KIRA!

-

"… (sips coffee) …"

"Why does it bother you so much, Kira? (seductive whisper)"

"(spits coffee everywhere)… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

-

I have a pen-pal.

His name is Teru.

I write him letters.

He says, for me, he feels rabu.

-

In case you didn't realise, Teru is some psychotic homeless man who adores my throbbing manhood and rabu is how Japanese people say 'love'.

It's a sick and twisted world, my friends.

-

"I'm not homeless… I'm a lawyer…"

"Is that how it is, Teru? Or is it that you're LIKE a lawyer with the way you're always trying to get me off?"

"W-Well…"

"I don't think you have much of a defense, dude. Your hand is massaging my cock right now. Seriously, Teru, stop it."

"S-Sorry…"

-

Sometimes…

I just…

WISH I WERE A DRAGON.

-

Puff Daddy Raito the Magic Dragon!

Lived By The SEA…men.

HA!

-

"You're lame."

"I've got fame."

"And a nice dame."

"Wame."

"…"

-

Testicles.

They hurt if you squeeze them too hard.

-

"Why am I so stupid, Raito? I'm so sorry… your poor testicles…"

"It's okay, Misa. I forgive you. You're only woman, after all."

"Oh, thank-you so much, I couldn't ever—HEY!"

"Hm?"

"What does being a woman have to do with ANYTHING!"

"Well, duh. You don't have a dick. You don't know what it feels like."

"… Oh, true …"

-

Silly, misunderstood girl.

SILLY AND MISUNDERSTOOD!

-

"… Excuse me, Kira?"

"Yes?"

"Gotcha…"

"Oh… OH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

-

And that's the end of that chapter.

(flicks scarf)


	4. imagaY otiaR passes ‘Judgment’

**A/N: **

**PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING. **

**1. I know Ryuk would never do what he does in this chapter.  
2. ****Also, is Rem a girl, or what? I have no idea. Anyways… **

**Chapter Four: imagaY otiaR passes 'Judgment' **

-

I've been Kira for five years, today.

I can tell you now; it's an amazing feeling.

I feel as if I should go on one of those talk-shows, where the hosts are loud mouthed and rude and talk in all capitals.

-

"SO RAITO, YOU'VE BEEN KIRA FIVE YEARS TODAY?"

"THAT'S RIGHT, KENT. IT'S AN AMAZING FEELING."

"WHAT'S THE MOST AMAZING FEELING YOU'VE EVER HAD?"

"PROBABLY THIS, KENT. AS FAR AS I CAN THINK."

"WHAT ABOUT A REALLY AWESOME BLOWJOB?"

"… YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY AMAZING."

"THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS. KIRA, AT FIVE YEARS YOUNG, LOVES BLOWJOBS."

-

Everyone was giving me gifts. It was pretty awesome.

Ryuk let me have the eye trade for free, for a whole day.

He said it was for all the apples I gave him.

-

So, I looked in the mirror and it showed my name as "imagaY otiaR".

Then I realised…

-

"I'M GAY?!"

"Seems so."

"… Damn it. Everyone knew except me. No wonder everyone writes LxRaito fanfics. THEY KNEW!"

-

Why didn't anyone tell me? (emo)

-

"Raito… you're gay with your mom…"

"STFU!"

-

How dare he?!

I am NOT gay with my mom!

She's a girl, after all.

-

"Don't feel bad, Imagay."

"That isn't my name, Shinigami…"

"Tch… I'm also gay. Don't feel bad."

"What? Rem? I thought you were a guy!"

"So did I… until I fell for Misa!"

"… You realise male/female relationships is how it works in the Human Realm, right?"

"What, really? That's weird."

"…"

-

The new thing at the work place is to annoy me.

Everyone knows I'm Kira, but due to the fact they're currently unable to prove it, they sit around and piss me off all day.

L likes to play that ridiculous Imogen Heap song, "Hide and Seek".

-

Every time I walk into the room, it's-

"MMM, WHATCHA SAAAAAYYY?! OOOH, THAT YOU ONLY MEANT WELL? WELL, OF COURSE YOU DID, MMM, WATCHA SAAAAAAYYYY?! THAT IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST, OF COURSE IT IS!"

-

It's like… Kira's National Anthem.

Like, the Queen has "God Save The Queen"?

I have "Mmm, What'd Kira Say?".

-

I can just imagine those fools now…

-

"Psst… psst! Ryuuzaki! He's coming! Get the stereo ready!"

"Hehe! We'll get him this time!"

"Ha, this is gonna be great!"

"Shh, you guys! He's coming! He's coming!"

-

I walk though the door,

They start playing it,

Laughing like idiots,

And I die a little on the inside.

-

(mumbles) "Stupid co-workers… I'll be passing judgment on you soon enough…"

"Ew, do you smell that? Seems like judgment isn't the only thing you can pass, Raito!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

-

Dumb bastard.

He's stupider than Mogi's ex-girlfriend.

-

"Whazzup, mah pimp dawg, yo, maxin' out da creditz on da side wif da hoes, ya diggin'?"

"Er… hi, honey. What are you doing here?"

"Chillin' on da west side, pimpin' in da east, ya diggin' me, home fly?"

"Did… did Watari let you in, or did you storm in without permission? Sweetie, you can't be here. This is top secret stuff."

"I boughtchya'll some foodz and Japanese spoonz. Enjoy, niggaz."

"Please… just leave. I'll see you when I get home. I'm sorry, you really shouldn't be here."

"You bein' wigga, yo? Don't wigga me, wigga! Yo jive ass! Ya'll got some nerve, dawg! (storms off)"

"Okay, Mogi. Explain. What the hell just happened?"

"I have… no idea."

-

Apparently, while dad and myself were busy investigating Kira… heh, it sounds funny when **_I_** say that… Sayu (the dumb bitch) flushed a tampon and our house became flooded with sewerage.

Not only that, while trying to save my things from being submerged in last weeks meals, she accidentally found my porno stash.

-

This situation brings whole new meaning to the term, "in deep shit".

-

XD ZOMG RAITO UR SO FUNNEH

… why hasn't anyone said that yet?

-

"Hey, Raito,"

"What do you want, Ryuuzaki?"

"I heard about your house, man. Tough break."

"Yeah, I guess."

"What did you do, pass liquid judgment?"

"Well, I… HEY! WAIT!"

"Owned."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

-

It's a real shame I passed judgment on our plumber, for being an ex-child molester.

He was good at his job, I grant you…

-

ZOMG KLIF HANGA DAWG LYKE ROFL

-

(find out what happens when I an be bothered to tell you)

-

imagaY otiaR, signing out.

**A/N: **

**Um… yeah.**

**XD**


	5. Kira'd Away, Because Spirits Are Gay

**A/N:**

**I haven't been around in a long time, have I?**

**I've been sick. **

**And by sick, I mean, REALLY sick.**

**Either way, here's a chapter I've been working on since ten minutes ago.**

_Chapter Five: _Kira'd Away, Because Spirits Are Gay

-

It was get-together night at the office.

L insists on these things because he thinks they bring us closer as colleagues.

He likes to be able to interact with the task force as friends, not just as one of his helpers.

-

"Six o'clock, you say? Why, I'd love to!"

"Um, L… we didn't say anything."

"I'll bring the movies and the popcorn, don't worry. It'll be ever-so fun!"

"But L, we didn't agree to-"

"See you at my apartment! Teehee!"

"Damn diabetes suffering maniac…"

-

After all that, _I_ was asked to bring popcorn.

So off I went.

-

"Raito, I really don't think-"

"Hush Ryuk! You don't think at all."

"I have a brain, Light."

"That may be the case, but— WAIT. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?"

"Well, that's your name, isn't it?"

"Of course it isn't, you lazy, new-age, Simple Plan-listening, emo hippy."

"… That hurt, Raito. It really did."

-

Stupid Ryuk and is made up emotions.

He would know emotion if Celine Dion sung the Titanic song in his ear.

Does Ryuk even HAVE ears?

-

So, there I was, buying popcorn like I was anyone's slave, when suddenly! From the bushes!

"YOOOOOOU'RE HEEEERE! THERE'S NOOOOTHING I FEAR! AND I KNOOOW-"

"Misa! I told you to stay in your house!"

"BUT I'M HEEEERE IN YOUR HEART AND YOUR HEART WILL GO OOOON AND OOOOOON!"

"Get out of my sight."

"I'm not in your sight, silly little Light! I'm in the bushes!"

"Can't you go and discuss making a lesbian porno with Rem, or something?"

"ANYTHING FOR YOU, LIIIIGHT!"

"Would everyone stop calling me that? Geez Louise…"

"WHO IS THE LOUISE GIRL, LIGHT? HUH? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH LOUISE!"

"… My God, Misa. Go home before you make anymore of a fool of yourself."

-

And with that, I took my seventeen buckets of popcorn to L's apartment.

-

"Hey Raito, we better hurry up."

"Is it that time already? Six o'clock came quicker than I thought…"

"That's not the first time I heard someone say that."

"… What?"

"Does 'Oh Raito… um… you came quicker than I thought…' ring a bell?"

"Don't go there, Ryuk."

"How about 'Raito, four minutes isn't very long…', does that ring any bells?"

"Ryuk! I said don't!"

"RAITO'S ONLY GOT FOUR MINUTES TO CUM… the world…"

"… Holy shit, that was pathetic."

"Oh God, you're right. I'm sorry…"

-

We arrived 37 seconds late.

Apparently, Watari had been timing.

Needless to say, L wasn't impressed.

-

"I specifically said six o'clock. With popcorn. It's now six thirty-seven and you have less popcorn than requested!"

"What do you mean? I brought all seventeen buckets!"

"That bucket is missing roughly ten pieces from it."

"…"

"The chances of you being Kira just went up one percent."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

-

What is WRONG with that kid?

Or… well… child-like adult.

-

Anyway, L informed us that we'd be watching Spirited Away, a movie he'd rented by accident while looking for Charlie's Angels Full Throttle.

How can you mistake them? I don't know…

-

The news that we'd be watching an anime with a lost and lonely prepubescent girl had Matsuda jumping for joy.

I thought he was going to rip his pants off and start jerkin' the gherkin right there and then!

-

"You'd like that, wouldn't you Raito?"

"Yes. Yes I would."

-

I'm such a Matsuda skank.

-

After Dad had restrained the cop-in-training, L handed out the snacks to each person before hogging eleven entire jumbo buckets of popcorn to his diabetic self.

Fucking pig.

-

"What did you just call me?"

"What? I didn't say anything, Ryuuzaki."

"I distinctly remember you calling me a 'flying pig'."

"… I said fucking."

"Gotcha."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI!"

"Another percent has been added to you being Kira."

"I hate you, oh, how I hate you…"

-

While watching this kids movie, with L sucking his thumb, Matsuda groaning and making rapid hand movements beside me, Mogi drooling, Watari trying to talk to L and being shooed away, Aizawa ruffling his afro and Ukita reminding people he existed, Ryuk and I discussed Kiraism.

-

"Oi, Aizawa…"

"What is it Mogi? My hair is important too, you know."

"Uh duuhhhh… what's Matsuda doin'?"

"He's er… rubbing his leg."

"But why's he makin' dem funny sounds?"

"It's his third leg."

"…"

-

… Um …

Moving on.

-

"This movie speaks to me, Ryuk. Spirited away, that's a nice term, isn't it?"

"What are you getting at?"

"Instead of simply murdering people we don't like, why don't we… Kira them away?"

"You mean, like…"

"Yes! Kira'd Away!"

-

Oh Raito, you're a genius.

A pure genius.

-

"Welcome to Sakura TV News. In local news, four people were Kira'd Away today, all linked to Saddam Hussein. This just goes to show that Kira says NO to terrorism."

"But, when you think of it… Kira is sort of a terrorist, isn't he? I mean, he kills for no good reason and targets just about—ARRGHH! MY… MY…!"

"WHAT IS IT, NEW REPORTER NUMBER TWO?"

"MY HEEEAAARRRTTTTT…"

"He's having a heart attack! Someone get a medic on set!"

"MY HEART… WILL GOOOO OOOOONNNN AND OOOOONNNN!"

"…"

-

Betcha didn't see THAT coming.

-

A few moments later, L was on the phone.

-

"Hey Kira, that was great."

"Oh, thanks. I'm really into this new 'Kira'd Away' thing. I reckon it's awesome."

"Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Kira'd Away is much better than Spirited Away."

"Oh, for sure. Spirited away is SOOOO last week."

"Kira'd Away, because spirits are gay! Ha!"

"Hahaha…"

"Hey, um, who is this?"

"L."

"…"

"…"

"… FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, RYUUZAKI."

-

I better get out of here before that diabetic whore comes a-knockin' at my door.

-

**A/N:**

**And there you have it.**

**After months of waiting... that. **

**D:**


End file.
